


Only You, Always

by justjunhoes



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Afraid to love, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Friends, First Love, Fluff, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 19:14:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20120245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justjunhoes/pseuds/justjunhoes
Summary: Just tell him that you love him. Stop running away.





	Only You, Always

_“I’ve always liked you.” _

**Summer 1996**

“Junhoe ah, come here. Come.”

Junhoe clings on his mother’s arm, hiding behind her. They are at their newly moved in neighbour’s house. His mother, as usual being the friendly and kind one would always greet and prepare food for new neighbour.

“Junhoe is a little bit shy around new people.”

“Oh that’s okay. Little boy. I have two. Jiun, come here. Say hello to ahjumma.”

“Hello ahjumma. I’m Jiun.” He bows to her.

“This is my eldest and my youngest…Jiun ah, where is Jiwon?”

Jiun raises his shoulder. “Maybe upstairs.”

“Is Jiwon shy too?”

“Hmmm I wouldn't say that. He is more like still upset with me and appa for moving back to Korea. He has lots of friends in Virginia.”

Then they hear loud feet stomping heading towards the living room. Kids. Stomping feet is a way to show how upset they are. Jiwon’s mother just smiles at him as she holds him close.

“Now, this is Jiwon.” She introduces. “Say hi to ahjumma.”

“Hi.” Jiwon bows. He notices another kid hiding behind ahjumma. The kid has chubby cheeks and looks small.

“Hello there, Jiwon. You are cute.” Junhoe’s mother pinches his cheek gently. “This is my son, Junhoe.” She holds Junhoe’s wrist, pulling him gently so he could stand facing Jiwon. “Junhoe…say hello to Jiwon hyung.”

Junhoe hesitates but this boy named Jiwon keeps looking at him. He holds his mother’s hand tightly to signal her that he wants to leave but he knows his mother won’t go home yet.

“Hello…Jiwon hyung.” He gives in. He bows a little to this Jiwon person.

“Cute.” Jiwon’s mother rubs his head. “Hope the two of them can be friends.”

“It may take a while but I do hope they can be friends.” Junhoe’s mother then places her palms on his ears. “Junhoe takes so much time to open up to people so I hope he won’t hurt Jiwon. Do tell me if he does that.”

“Aigoo, that’s alright. Don’t worry about it, right Jiwon?”

Jiwon just nods. He looks at Junhoe who seems mad. Junhoe pushes his mother’s palm away from him then whines that he heard her talking about him.

“I don’t want to be friends with him!” Junhoe sprints out of the house.

“Junhoe!” His mother turns sour but she puts her best smile on her face. “I’m really sorry about that.” She bows her head.

“It’s okay. He is just a kid.”

Jiwon watches the two mothers talking in the kitchen so he quietly leaves them alone. Plus, he still has lots to unpack and arrange. He runs upstairs to his room to clean up his room. His room has windows which face Junhoe’s house.

“Omma always tells everyone that I’m difficult.” Junhoe complains to his sister.

“That’s because omma wants people to know so they won’t be sad if you refuse to talk to people.” Yejin glances at him. She sits next to him. “Omma is not a bad person. Don’t be mad at omma.”

Junhoe says nothing. He gets up then climbs the stool to open the window. He notices Jiwon is also standing by the window. They exchange look for a second before Jiwon walks away. Good. Junhoe shuts the window then pulls the curtain.

**Winter 1996**

“Happy birthday, Jiwon!”

Everyone gathers at Jiwon’s house for a simple birthday celebration, including Junhoe. Their friendship is alright considering how their mothers are always spending time together. Junhoe slowly begins to talk with Jiwon although most of the time, he only says one word.

“Hi.” Junhoe timidly greets Jiwon.

Jiwon feels a gentle tap on his shoulder. “Junhoe…hi.”

“Happy birthday.” Junhoe holds a small box. “For you. It’s okay if you hate it.”

“No! Why would I hate it?” Jiwon takes the box. “Thank you.”

“But really…uhh…anyway, happy birthday.”

Jiwon smiles. “Thanks. Do you want cake? Come.” He pulls Junhoe’s hand as he leads the younger one. “Cake for you.”

Junhoe watches Jiwon clumsily cuts the cake. He doesn’t care. The cake would digest in his stomach anyway. He thanks Jiwon for the cake and invites him to eat together.

“Do you like me?”

That question was really out of nowhere. Jiwon blinks a few times before he smiles. He nods. “I like you, Junhoe. Very much.”

“Even though I don’t smile at you? Talk with you?” Junhoe looks at him. The boy nods again. “Here.” He feeds Jiwon with the cake.

“I’ve always liked you.” Jiwon mumbles, chewing the cake which Junhoe fed.

Junhoe smiles a bit. He feels good hearing Jiwon said that even though he is not sure if Jiwon is just being nice. It is so rare for Junhoe to hear those words.

“Promise to like me forever?” Junhoe looks at him.

“Promised.”

**Spring 2010**

“The campus looks nice.” Junhoe sits on the bed. “Comfortable…not the same bed like home but comfortable.”

“It really is nice. The environment seems good also.” His mother looks around. “This room seems…small…for two people…Wait. Only one bed.”

He watches his mother tidying up his room, listening to her mumbles to herself. He really is enrolling in university now and will have a roommate. The idea seems not fun for him since he has never shared a room before but guess he has no choice. He takes another look. His mother is right; this room does look small for two people.

“Have you contacted Jiwon? You know he studies here too, right?” She sits next to him.

Jiwon. To be honest, he has not been contacting Jiwon ever since he left high school. Also when they were in high school, their friendship was not as close as they were when they were younger. They drifted apart even though they live as neighbour next door.

“Yes, of course I know he studies here.” He looks at her. “But I lost contact.”

“You never asked when he came home? Hmmm…then again, he hardly comes home.”

How should he tell his mother that he never speaks or meets Jiwon when the latter comes home? He avoided seeing Jiwon and he managed to, thanks to the part time job he fought for because his mother did not allow him to work at first.

“I’m kinda hungry.” Junhoe changes the topic.

“Good thing I packed us some food from home. Just a second.” She wipes the study table clean and arranges the food container properly. “Eat.” She then hears a gentle knock on the door. “Err come in. Door is unlocked. Must be appa. Maybe he found parking already.”

“Hello, ahjumma.”

Junhoe is surprised to see the man standing at the door is not his father but Jiwon! He almost chokes on his rice while his mother is already so happy to see Jiwon.

“Aigoo, Jiwon. Look at you. I feel like I haven’t seen you for so long. You didn’t come to see me at home. Aigoo this kid.” She hugs him.

“I’m sorry. I really went home to sleep most of the time but still…it was rude for me not to meet you.” Jiwon smiles. The truth is, he didn’t go home because Junhoe wasn’t there. He glances at Junhoe who is minding his own business, continues shoving food in his mouth.

“That’s okay. Come. Have you eaten? And…how did you know where to find Junhoe?”

He looks at Junhoe. “Easy. I’m one of the committees for the orientation. A little chat with Mr Kang…and…” He looks at her. “Junhoe is staying in single room.”

Junhoe steals a glance at Jiwon. No way. Jiwon really did that? For him? Single room? No freaking way. He is touched indeed. Jiwon knows him well. He looks at his mother thanking Jiwon while reminding how he hates sharing room.

“No problem, ahjumma but keep it a secret. We don’t want anyone to know there is favouritism.” Jiwon laughs.

“Hear that, Junhoe? Keep it secret.” She laughs with him.

“Or I could make up a lie. I already thought of one.” Junhoe continues eating.

“Huh. Finally…I hear your voice. I thought you have sore throat.” Jiwon teases. He takes a seat. “Oh is that potato pancake? Can I eat?”

“Sure you can, Jiwon. Aigoo, no need to ask.” She caresses his hair gently. “You two eat. Catch up.”

“Thanks, ahjumma.” Jiwon smiles at Junhoe instead. “Hi…hey…” He gulps.

“Hi.” Junhoe stares at the floor instead. “How’s…uni life?”

“Great. I guess.” Jiwon takes a small bite of the potato pancake. “Umm yummy.”

Junhoe watches Jiwon eats like he has never eaten for days but of course this does not surprise him. It is just how Jiwon eats, coupled with the unpleasant sounds he makes when he eats. Still, it never disgusts Junhoe.

He remembers when he caught Jiwon sneaking out just to eat the delicious mandu soup near their neighbourhood. Jiwon was 11, begging Junhoe not to tell his mother which he agreed but on one condition; the obvious one. That is how he spent more time with Jiwon and finding out how Jiwon eats.

_“Do you always eat like that?”_

_“Like what?” Jiwon slurps the soup. “So nice.”_

_“Never mind.” Junhoe just smiles. “Can we do this always?”_

_“As long as we don’t get caught.”_

_But of course they get caught. Their mothers teased them, saying mandu soup brought them together to a proper friendship._

“Thanks for the meal, ahjumma.”

Junhoe still keeps quiet. He just looks at Jiwon and his mother talking to each other. Jiwon catches his eyes and for the first time, he could return Jiwon’s gaze but only for two seconds. His heart is beating fast, he feels like it is not normal for his heart to be like that.

“See you around, Junhoe.”

“Y-yes…see you…” Junhoe looks at Jiwon’s wide smile which sort of calms him. The smile that Junhoe loves. He hopes to see Jiwon again.

**First week**

“Labour law class at lecture hall A7…A7…A7…Ow! Hey! Watch…” Junhoe gulps.

“Junhoe! Careful there.” Jiwon puts his hand on Junhoe’s back, not wanting him to fall. “Hey…”

Junhoe clears his throat as he frees himself. “Thanks. Umm where is hall A7?”

“Labour law class? Are you taking this class because me too!” Jiwon smiles. “Come. Let’s walk together.”

Junhoe says nothing but he walks behind Jiwon. Almost every students they bump into say ‘hi’ to Jiwon. Wow, seems like a popular guy here huh. Nothing’s changed. Jiwon has always been popular since high school while him? He guesses he was quite popular at school since other students always said hi to him and him receiving love notes during Valentine’s.

“The lecture hall.” Jiwon leads the way.

“Jiwon!”

“Oh dear.” Jiwon rubs his nape. “Heyyyy Jisoo…”

“I’ve missed you.” Jisoo giggles. She then notices Junhoe standing behind him. “What is this?”

“Who. Who is this.” Jiwon glances at Junhoe. “He’s my childhood friend, a freshman here. Koo Junhoe.”

Junhoe bows his head slightly. He excuses himself so he could a place to sit. Good thing there are ample spaces in this lecture hall. He decides to sit next to a guy with too many earrings and piercings. The guy smiles back at him, welcoming him to the table.

“I’m Donghyuk.”

“Junhoe.”

He looks at Jiwon who is trying to ignore Jisoo.

“Jisoo is his ex.”

Seems like Donghyuk guesses what is on his mind. He looks at Donghyuk. “Well…that explains why she obviously still not over him.”

Donghyuk chuckles. “Damn right. She’s still not over him. They were like the hottest thing.”

“They look good together.” But of course, Junhoe actually knew about Jiwon’s ex-girlfriend. He saw their photos on Jiwon’s instagram. That is one of the main reasons he avoided Jiwon.

The class begins. But his attention is on Jiwon. Even looking at Jiwon from the back makes him feel something. He has to pinch himself so he would not get caught staring. Good thing first class is only introduction.

**Weekend**

Since there really isn’t much to do, Junhoe decides to use his spare time to hit the gym. He has mastered the campus already, knowing the rooms, the lecture halls, everything. He wants to learn secret passageways in the campus next.

When he reaches the gym, he sees familiar faces so he just nods and smiles at them. These familiar faces he sees include Jiwon and Jisoo. Oh boy. Here we go again.

“Enough. I told you we are over. I won’t go back to someone who is a two timer behind my back.”

Jiwon sounds serious. Junhoe could not help but to eavesdrop even though he puts his earphone on. Nobody would suspect anything especially how he pretends to choose songs on his playlist.

“I was wrong, Jiwon…and I’m sorry. I should have not…” Jisoo tries to hold Jiwon’s hand but the man brushes her hand aside.

“I had loved you…trusted you…but you did this to me and now you expect me to take you back?” Jiwon laughs loud but mockingly, drawing attention to them. “Just…leave me alone.”

True, Jiwon had loved Jisoo so hard. He tried. He knew Jisoo was not for him. In fact, he dated her because she was trying so hard to win his attention. She got his attention indeed but she wasted it by dating another man named Taesung and worse still, Taesung never felt bad for being the third person.

Jisoo sighs. She looks at Jiwon who had walked away from her to actually do some exercising. Guess she really has to accept this huh? She ruined this big time and Jiwon doesn’t even want to look at her anymore. Her own loss.

Meanwhile, Jiwon keeps cursing under his breath. He sits on the bench for a moment to calm himself when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

“I’m okay, Junhoe.”

Junhoe is stunned. How Jiwon knows it is him? He slowly takes a seat next to Jiwon. “Are you sure?”

Jiwon nods. “Have you ever dated someone? Ah sorry if my question is out of nowhere.” He looks at him. “But really? Have you?”

Junhoe shakes his head. “I said no to every man and woman.”

“Wow. Wish I had said no too.” Jiwon sighs.

_“I’ve always <strike>liked</strike> loved you.”_

“Because I actually have my eyes on this special someone.” He continues.

Junhoe’s heart screams. Jealousy? Curiosity? “So why didn’t you approach that special someone and express your thoughts?”

Jiwon looks straight into Junhoe’s eyes but like usual, it never lasts more than two seconds. He chuckles softly. “Wish it is easy.”

_‘Why it is not easy? Who is this special someone? Lucky…’_ “Hmm…ya…I guess I understand.” Junhoe has more questions but he only asks in his head.

“Hey are you free today? Wanna grab dinner together?” Jiwon changes topic. “There are so many things I want to catch up with you.”

“Sure.” Junhoe agrees immediately. He watches Jiwon’s beaming smile when he agrees. Cute, he thinks to himself. He always finds Jiwon the cutest when he smiles. Always, since day 1 although he hated the elder man at first.

“Perfect. I’ll text you.” Jiwon ruffles his hair then quickly withdraws his hand away. “Sorry…I…”

Junhoe almost freezes feeling the touch on his hair.

_“I am NOT a kid.”_

_Jiwon laughs. “But you are younger.” He ruffles Junhoe’s long hair again. “And why are you keeping this long hair?”_

_“I wanna be a rock star.” Junhoe brushes his hair._

_“Rock star can have short hair too.” Jiwon teases. He grabs a bunch of hair then ties into apple hair. “Okay. You can be the cute rock star.”_

_“Hyung!” Junhoe kicks him off of the couch. Jiwon is still laughing although he is lying flat on the rug. Jiwon’s laugh is infectious that makes him laugh too._

_Junhoe’s mother walks into the scene. She shakes her head, smiling at them. “Omo what is Jiwon doing on the floor?”_

_“Ahjumma! Junhoe bullies me.” Jiwon pretends to sob._

_“Wh-what…I…no! Omma! I did not bully him.” Junhoe jumps onto Jiwon’s body, earning a loud groan from him. “NOW I’m bullying him.”_

_Junhoe’s mother chuckles as she looks at the kids. “You are going to get Jiwon hospitalized.”_

_“That’s okay. I’ll visit him.” Junhoe laughs. He presses his palms on Jiwon’s torso._

_“No. You will accompany me.” Jiwon hugs his waist, pulling him to his chest. Junhoe’s face is only a few inches away from his face. “Well…no need. I don’t want your smelly hair.”_

_Junhoe rolls his eyes. “Let me suffocate you with my smelly hair.” He shakes his head hard so his hair would brush along Jiwon’s nose._

_“Ahjumma! Help!” Jiwon pretends to slowly faints. “Help…”_

_“Junhoe dear.” She chuckles._

_“Omma. Why you always side Jiwon? I’m your son.” Junhoe pouts._

_“Because you are always bullying Jiwon.” She approaches them. “Look at you still sitting on him. Get up.” She sighs ‘aigoo’ as she helps Junhoe to stand._

_“I’m not…always…I’m playing.” Junhoe is standing awkwardly like a shy boy._

_“I know dear.” She kisses his head. “You are lucky Jiwon loves you, am I right?”_

_Jiwon nods. “Yes, ahjumma. I love your annoying and loud son.” He ruffles Junhoe’s disheveled hair._

_“I AM WHAT?” Junhoe chases Jiwon who already has a head start. “Yes, you better run for your life.”_

_But that habit never stopped which Junhoe eventually accepted it. Jiwon would pat his head or runs his fingers through his hair whenever he felt down or whenever he achieved something._

_It only stopped when Junhoe told him it is childish, when their relationship has a wall with how neither Junhoe nor Jiwon tries to break._

“Oh…that’s okay…” Junhoe feels awkward. It has been years.

“Oka…y…Well, see you later.” Jiwon rushes out of the gym.

Junhoe rubs his feet to calm himself. He did not even exercise. He just leaves the gym after Jiwon left. He checks himself in the mirror then his hand slowly finds its way to touch his own hair.

“Hmmm…wish it is easy like when we were kids.”

That night, Junhoe appears in plain white shirt and black slacks which he pairs with a trench coat. He anxiously waits for Jiwon to arrive at his hostel. He keeps checking his time and contemplates to bail from the plan. He finally hears the sound of motorcycle exhaust approaching him.

“Did you wait long?”

“Yes.” Junhoe takes the helmet.

Jiwon smiles. He loves how blunt Junhoe could be sometimes. “Sorry.” He glances at Junhoe. “Hold on tight.”

“No. Wait. Don’t go too fast!” Junhoe has no choice but to hold onto Jiwon tight. He suddenly remembers he could just hold the metal at the side but maybe hugging Jiwon is not such a bad thing.

They reach a roadside stall. Jiwon brags about the cold buckwheat noodle sold here.

“Hello ahjumma.”

Jiwon greets the lady cheery, like his usual self. He watches their exchange. It seems like Jiwon is a regular customer but hasn’t been here for a while. Junhoe smiles and bows at her when Jiwon introduces him.

“Your boyfriend?”

Jiwon clears his throat. “No, ahjumma. My childhood friend. He just entered same university as me.”

Junhoe nods. _‘Boyfriend’_. His heart needs to chill. “I’m Koo Junhoe.” He bows again.

She smiles warmly at him. “Have a seat, boys. What would you like to eat?”

“Hmmm I’ll have the cold buckwheat noodle since Jiwon could not stop talking about it.” Junhoe glances at him.

She chuckles. “Alright and you Jiwon? The usual?” She smiles when he nods. “Okay.”

Junhoe looks around the stall. People from all walks of life are having their meals here. The stall may be small but no table is empty. He then looks at Jiwon who is busy texting.

“Omma and appa say hi to you.”

So that’s whom he is texting with. “Ohhh…” He smiles as his mind brings the image of Jiwon’s parents to him. He feels bad for not seeing them before he came here. “Tell them I say hi too.”

Jiwon nods. “Omma misses you. Wow. Not me?” He laughs.

_‘Do you ever miss me, Jiwon?’_

“Do you ever miss me, Junhoe?” Jiwon looks straight at him. He could notice Junhoe’s pupils are shaking before he averts his eyes. “Because…I’ve always missed you…” He says softly.

It’s like Jiwon reads his mind. He bites his lip, staring at the soju bottle instead.

“I…sometimes…I miss you…”

Sometimes? No. Always, everyday. How could he not miss Jiwon when they are next door neighbour? When he looked outside the window, he waited for Jiwon to open his window too. Like a fool, he waited although he knew Jiwon was not there.

“Then why you avoided me?” Jiwon watches how Junhoe stutters now. “You were not home when I went back during breaks. Ahjumma told me…you got a part time job.”

Of course his mother told Jiwon. “I wasn’t…avoiding you. I was bored. I want some pocket money and I did not want to keep asking from omma.” He gulps. Lies.

“Well…okay…” Jiwon laughs in his heart. Junhoe really thinks he doesn’t know him well to catch when he lies. But let’s keep that as secret.

“Here you go boys.” She serves the noodles. “Is there anything else you want?”

“The truth…” Jiwon mumbles. “Errr…nothing. That’s all. Thanks ahjumma. We’ll definitely enjoy the noodles.”

Junhoe takes his first bite. Jiwon deserves one point here. The noodles is delicious. He keeps eating. One, to avoid serious talk. Two, to avoid talk. Three, to avoid awkward atmosphere. It suddenly feels like he knows Jiwon only recently.

“Slow down.” Jiwon notices. “Or are you having other plans?”

Junhoe is still chewing. He shakes his head. “It’s so yummy, I couldn’t stop eating.” Great Junhoe. Another lie. Yejin always says all men do is lie and do it all the time. Guess his sister got a point.

Jiwon smiles. “But still…slow down or you’d choke.”

Junhoe puts his chopstick down. “You are always looking after me.”

“That’s what…friends do. A brother to another brother.” Jiwon takes a piece of tissue then wipes Junhoe’s lips. “I've told you before…I’ve always loved you.” He stops to admire Junhoe’s lips. “So I’d…be looking after you.”

Junhoe dares himself to look straight into Jiwon’s eyes. What does Jiwon mean by all these? His gestures? His words? Junhoe does not want to misunderstand Jiwon’s intention.

“Th-thanks…” Junhoe looks away.

“I would like another bowl.” Jiwon chews his last scoop of rice mixed with japchae. “Ahjumma!”

Junhoe says nothing. He takes this chance to look at Jiwon closely. He remembers being so brave to almost kiss Jiwon back then. Sure, when Junhoe was 10 and Jiwon was 12, they would always hide from Jiun or Yejin whenever they made a mess. They hid in a closet which is too small for two boys. Their noses touched while their arms were circling each other. That made them giggle and ended up getting caught.

Then Jiwon was never confident with his looks despite being the popular one in high school. Still, he never bothered about it. He was always so cheery and friendly, just like how he is today. Maybe that was why he was popular. Everyone wants a piece of Kim Jiwon, a happy-go-lucky, straightforward, smiling and cool guy.

But that is why Junhoe likes Jiwon.

“Is that all you are eating? Are you dieting?”

Junhoe looks at Jiwon with a smile. “Dieting? Maybe…” He holds Jiwon’s shoulder when the elder looks like he is going to yell. “There. There. I’m…I gained weight. That’s why I went to the gym…besides the fact that I was bored.”

“You don’t have to diet. I like your cheeks. Hey remember when we were just little kids. Your cheeks were so full. So cute.” Jiwon smiles happily. “Cute…so cute.”

Junhoe touches his cheeks. Cute? Jiwon says cute. “So I’m not cute now?” Hell. Where did he get that confidence?

“Ahh I didn’t say that. You are still the cutest in my eyes.” Jiwon winks. He continues feeding himself with rice and japchae.

Junhoe pretends he did not hear that. He drinks his soju then pours another one. His heart is beating fast, not sure because of the soju or the comment Jiwon made.

_‘You are still the cutest in my eyes.’_

“Oh let me pay.” Jiwon shakes his head. “It’s okay, hyung. My treat.”

“But I asked you out.”

“I know but…” Junhoe holds his hand. “Let me just pay…and you can’t stop me.” He dashes forward to the ahjumma.

“Not fair using his handsome face to distract me.” Jiwon looks at Junhoe talking with the ahjumma. “I mean it, Junhoe…” He keeps looking at Junhoe until the latter comes back to the table.

“So…are we going anywhere next?” Junhoe waits for Jiwon to answer. 

One good thing about motorcycle ride is that Junhoe could avoid awkward conversation during the journey. One thing he hates is how fast Jiwon is going. But another good thing about this; hugging Jiwon for safety.

“Where are we? Is this Banpo Bridge?”

Jiwon removes his helmet. “Yup.” He sees the lights are switched on, producing rainbow moonlight along the bridge. “Right on time.”

Junhoe takes his phone to capture this moment. “Beautiful. I’ve always wanted to come here and see this but it was either too early or there was technical problem, maintenance.” He chuckles.

“It’s your lucky day.” Jiwon leans against his motorcycle.

“So beautiful.”

“Really beautiful.” Jiwon meant Junhoe, obviously. To his eyes, Junhoe is beautiful. He makes sure to set his phone on silent mode before he takes a few shots of Junhoe with rainbow moonlight as background. “Beautiful.”

“I wanna come here again. Maybe when I’m stressed.” Junhoe stands straight, stretching his arms slowly.

“Are you stressed now?” Jiwon avoids Junhoe’s arm swinging above his head. “Easy boy.”

“Sorry.” Junhoe hugs himself. “I’m not stressed…yet. But I think this is a nice place to calm my mind.”

“It is.” Jiwon ruffles his hair. “Ah dammit. Sorry.”

“You used to do that when we were kids.” Junhoe looks at him.

“Ya then you said…childish. It was childish.” Jiwon keeps his hands in his pockets. “Sorry.”

They let the moonlights accompany their silent night. They have so much thoughts in their minds but nothing leaves their mouth. Maybe they are not ready for heart to heart talk yet, to catch up, to find their lost time.

“It’s getting late. Let’s go back.”

Junhoe rubs his palms together. What a chilly night. He glances at Jiwon, agreeing to go back.

“Or we can eat ramen first. Heat ourselves a little.” Jiwon approaches him, putting his hoodie jacket on him. “Hmmm…there. Let’s go.”

Junhoe says nothing. He wears the hoodie properly, taking his chance to inhale the smell of Jiwon’s cologne. It is different than the one he used back then. It has stronger smell but bearable, not the type which gives you headache.

They reach a nearby convenience store after a few minutes walk.

“Ramen for you…and me.” Jiwon puts the bowls on the table. “Yours with two eggs, half cooked.”

Junhoe just stares at the steam coming from the hot noodles. Two eggs. Half cooked. The way he loves it.

_“I’m no chef but I make the best ramen.”_

_Junhoe just sits on the tall stool as he watches Jiwon prepares to cook ramen for the two of them. Their parents and their siblings are outside attending a wedding but both of them refused to follow. Poor decision. They are now hungry with no money. _

_“I want two eggs for my ramen.”_

_“Two eggs. Got it. Half cooked or…”_

_“Half cooked.”_

_After a while, the ramen is ready. Jiwon added sausages and kimchi too. They waste no time with how their tummies are rumbling. Junhoe takes the first bite and he loves it. He loves how the eggs are perfectly half cooked._

_“I must remember this then next time, I can cook ramen for you again.”_

_“Deal. You cook for me.”_

“Why are you just staring? Eat before it gets cold.” Jiwon slurps his noodles and sips the hot soup. “Ahh so nice.”

Jiwon’s voice brings him back to present. “Ya. Ya. Right.” Junhoe starts to eat. But he gets distracted with Jiwon’s slurping. Nothing has changed.

Nothing really has changed.

Including Jiwon’s feelings for Junhoe.

Jiwon may have said it many times but Junhoe never realizes, Junhoe never knows that Jiwon means it and by meaning those words, Jiwon sees him more than just next door neighbour.

It is hard for Jiwon to suppress his feelings for Junhoe. He thought he could get over Junhoe while in high school since being in different grades and growing up contributed to drifting them apart. They hardly met unless he went to eat at Junhoe’s place. It started to get awkward between them.

From long conversations to only talking when needed.

From teasing each other, playfully hitting and hugging to having an invisible wall between them.

They were like strangers in high school.

When Jiwon returned home during university break, he could not find Junhoe. The first thing he did was running towards Junhoe’s mother, asking for him. But his mother either said Junhoe was sleeping or he was outside.

Jiwon waited.

Junhoe’s mother finally told him that Junhoe got a part time job. She gave him Junhoe’s phone number. But what did Jiwon expect when he sent a text to Junhoe? To actually get replies? He wished.

That is when he knew Junhoe was avoiding him. It only took Jiwon two semester breaks before he decided to not return home and engaging with activities or part time job. Sure, he misses his parents and it was a selfish act but his parents are nice to come visit him instead without much questions.

He misses Junhoe the most.

He misses Jiwon so much.

And yes, he loves Jiwon.

But he is afraid he could lose his best friend. What if his feeling is one sided? He supposed it is normal if it is one sided but he could not bear if this happens to him. He could not imagine the rejection. How would he stay friends with Jiwon if that happens?

In the end, Junhoe just convey his feelings through his poems which he writes them nicely in his notebook. He is not ready and would never be ready to tell Jiwon. Let him visit his dreamland where everything goes the way he wants.

_“I’ve always liked you.”_

_“If you like me then you have to marry me.”_

_Jiwon’s mother glances at them, smiling as she listens to the two kids chatting. Junhoe’s parents are out with Yejin for dental appointment and as usual, Junhoe would rather stay at Jiwon’s house. She looks at them again before she continues her embroidery work._

_“Okay. Let’s get married when we are old enough.” Jiwon then takes a piece of drawing paper. “Koo…Junhoe…Kim Ji…won. Married.” He writes them with crayon._

_“I want blue crayon.” Junhoe whines._

_Jiwon takes another piece of drawing paper. “Tell me earlier.” He pokes Junhoe’s nose._

_“Oww! It hurts! Aish.” Junhoe climbs onto Jiwon’s back, causing the elder to groan but says nothing. He sees Jiwon writing their names in blue and purple crayons._

_“There. Koo Junhoe and Kim Jiwon. Married together.” Jiwon glances at him. “At what age?”_

_“Hmmm…30? Is 30 still young?” Junhoe rests his chin on Jiwon’s head. “Ahjumma. Is 30 still young?”_

_“To me, it is still young. It varies. Some people think 30 is old but for me…I think it is young.” She smiles at them._

_“Okay. 30. I’m only 10 this year.” Junhoe slowly gets up to sit on the floor. “20 years to go.”_

_“30 for you…so I’d be 32 by then.” Jiwon smiles happily. “Okay sign here and I’ll sign too. Omma! You are seeing this so you must sign.”_

_She sits on the floor with them. “Alright. Omma will sign. There.” She caresses their cheeks gently. “So…you two now are engaged. Congratulations.”_

_“What’s engaged?”_

_Jiwon swears he wants to pinch Junhoe’s cheeks hard right now. The younger blinks, obviously curious to the meaning of engaged. “It means you are mine and nobody can take you away from me.”_

_Junhoe’s eyes widen. His face is beaming with smile. “Really? Promise? Pinky promise?”_

_“Pinky promise.”_

_ **Fall 2008** _

_Jiwon keeps the last box in the trunk. He waits for Junhoe to come out to see him though Junhoe still has not replied to his text. He sees Junhoe’s parents are talking to his parents but where the hell is Junhoe?_

_“Jiwon.” Yejin runs towards him. “Take this. From Junhoe.”_

_“But where is he?”_

_Yejin smiles a bit. “He…is not feeling well.”_

_“He’s avoiding me.” Jiwon gives a hollow laugh. Whenever Yejin or Junhoe’s mother says ‘he is not feeling well’, it means ‘he doesn’t want to see you’._

_“I’m sorry. I tried to make him come down to see you but…Junhoe is being Junhoe.” Yejin sighs. “Anyway, take care.” She hugs him._

_He hugs her but his eyes look directly at Junhoe’s bedroom. The window is open. He recalls how they used to ‘talk’ through their window. He misses that and would miss even more._

_“Thanks, Yejin. You too. Take care. Take care of big baby Junhoe.” Jiwon chuckles. “And uh…tell him…”_

_“I’ve always liked you.”_

Semester break. Finally.

_~You, now let’s hold hands on this street_   
_How is this love song that you hear right now?_   
_Oh yeah_   
_I hold hands with you, whom I love_   
_As we walk together on this unknown street_

_As the spring wind blows_   
_The scattering cherry blossom petals_   
_Spread out on this street_   
_As we walk together~_

Junhoe plays the song on repeat. It is one of his favourite songs and he feels like listening to it the whole day. He is still lazying on his bed. It is cold thanks to the rain the whole night until this hour.

He looks around his big room and notice a hoodie hanging on the wall. He smiles. The hoodie from that night Jiwon brought him to Banpo Bridge. He never gets the chance to return the hoodie.

Or the truth is, he never wants to return it. Jiwon too seems to not ask for it. He wears Jiwon’s hoodie a few times to class and Jiwon did not bother to ask him to return his hoodie. Instead, Jiwon keeps saying he looks cute.

His relationship with Jiwon has gotten closer, thanks to the drunk conversation and childhood stories. He then remembers he is supposed to have lunch with Jiwon today.

“Ah shit! Shit! Shit!” Junhoe shoots up from bed.

Jiwonnie =3=  
11:50am  
Are you ready?  
Be there in 5 minutes.

11:51am  
NOT READY TT.TT

Jiwonnie =3=  
11:52am  
kkk take your time princess

Princess.

There was one time Jiwon called Junhoe as ‘princess’. Reason? Jiwon never tells him. Now that Jiwon has recalled, he decides to call Junhoe as ‘princess’ again.

Jiwon has the key to Junhoe’s room. He sits on the bed while waiting for Junhoe to get ready.

“Why are you shy with your body? Come on, princess. Don’t be shy.” Jiwon teases.

“It sounds so wrong…” Junhoe still hides behind the wooden partition. “I’m…shy because…I don’t know.” He blushes. Good thing he is hiding.

“Come on. I’ve seen your naked body already.” Jiwon laughs. “Alright. That really sounds wrong.”

“You don’t say. Were you stalking me?” Junhoe puts on his shirt and skinny pants.

“Stalking? What…How are you embarrassed in front of me but casually change your clothes at tennis court?”

“Okay…you got a point…” Junhoe looks at him. “Is this shirt alright?”

“Any shirt is alright on you.” Jiwon scans him from head to toe. “Cute.” He whispers. He licks his dry lips.

Junhoe hears that and it honestly makes him nervous. Jiwon has been vocal with his compliment for the past few weeks. Being around Jiwon always makes him that way; shy and nervous like a teenager looking at his crush. In a way, he IS looking at his crush.

“You are just saying this.” He grabs his jacket. ‘No, he means it. He must mean it right?’

“You never know how to take my compliment huh.” Jiwon smiles softly at him. “Ah hungry now. Let’s eat.”

While they wait for their food, Junhoe notices Jiwon is wearing the bracelet he gave through Yejin on the day Jiwon left for university. He is sure that Jiwon just wears it recently. He touches the bracelet, starling Jiwon.

“This…this bracelet. Did you just find it?”

Jiwon shakes his head. “I started wearing it since you gave…your sister gave it.” He chuckles. “I took it off for a while…to tease you actually.”

“Tease me?” Junhoe is puzzled. “Oh…wait…you are waiting me to say it.”

Jiwon just smiles softly. “Bingo.” He keeps quiet for a second. “Why you did not want to see me?”

The question. Junhoe knows Jiwon would definitely ask this. Why.

“Because I was hurting…” Junhoe rests his head on the table. “You were really leaving. I cried so much and I hated you that moment.”

“Of course I was really leaving. For studying.” Jiwon slowly stretches his hand to play with Junhoe’s hair.

“I know but…” Junhoe keeps quiet for a second, feeling Jiwon’s gentle touch. “We drifted apart in high school and then you suddenly left. I was not ready.”

“I was not ready too. I kept trying to see you but…”

“I ignored you. I know…” Junhoe sits up straight again. “I kept ignoring you. You always came to my house but I…acted like you didn’t exist.”

“But why? I thought the time before I came here…maybe you know…fix our friendship.” Jiwon sighs but he suddenly laughs, a sad one. “I…uh…let’s just eat.”

_‘Because I like you, Jiwon. No, I love you... and I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you.’_

“I don’t know why…I’m gonna blame the hormones.” Junhoe chuckles softly. “I’m really sorry.”

“Hey don’t sweat it. We are here…together again. I mean uhhh in uni…We can find that lost time.” Jiwon smiles. “And we can do that after we eat.”

Jiwon really wants to know the reason Junhoe shut him down. He knows Junhoe well enough to notice when Junhoe is holding his words in his mouth. But he doesn’t want to push Junhoe. When the time comes, he believes Junhoe would tell him even if it takes forever.

_‘Don’t give up, Jiwon…just like how you never give up to befriend him when you were a child.’_

But what if it takes forever?

**Spring 2018**

Junhoe stretches his arms and legs. He wants to scream at the top of his lungs but he doesn’t want to scare the security guards. He looks at the time. 10pm. This is healthy. Being a researcher sure is fun.

“You are still here?”

He leans against the chair with his eyes shut. “Hey Donghyuk. Ya…just finishing the last report and I’m done. You are still here too.”

Donghyuk sighs. “Not that I wanna be here so much but I think I’m sleeping here.” He looks at Junhoe’s confused reaction. “My boyfriend just text me saying there is no electricity. Sucks.”

“Awhh then come to my place.” Junhoe offers. That man can’t be serious. Sleeping at the office? What if this building is haunted? Shit. Now he is scared. He looks at Donghyuk again who declines his offer. “Are you sure?”

Donghyuk nods. “Don’t worry. I know how to use Ouija board in case the ghosts are trying to be funny.”

Junhoe just laughs at his remark. “Alright then but hey…let’s fill our tummies first.”

“YES. YES super hungry. Let’s eat.”

They only realise the sky is pouring when they walk outside. Brace the rain or go back take their car key?

“Dummy. We can take taxi.”

They laugh together. After a while, they reach a fast food restaurant. Weird craving but yes they suddenly crave for fast food when they were thinking what they should eat.

“I keep forgetting that I’m actually taking leave tomorrow.”

“Where are you going?”

Junhoe looks at him. “Home.”

Home.

Jiwon waters the plants in his mother’s garden. He takes a one week leave from work to rest and freshen up. Home is always the best ‘holiday destination’. Far from the city, better environment, and mom’s cooking.

He then sees a taxi stops outside Junhoe’s house.

“Home sweet home.” Junhoe takes a deep breathe. He glances at Jiwon’s house and notices the same motorcycle is parked at the porch. “He’s here…”

Junhoe’s heart is longing for Jiwon. He just wants to run and look for Jiwon so he could hug the man again but his feet are glued to the ground. He misses Jiwon.

He hates himself.

He led Jiwon then built the wall between them again.

Why?

_“I’ve always liked you. I love you. I mean it.”_

Junhoe heard those words but not for him.

Or he thought.

“It’s great to have everyone here again.” Jiwon’s mother smiles happily. “But where is Junhoe?”

“He is not feeling well.” Yejin looks at Jiwon first before she averts her gaze to his mother.

“Aigoo poor thing. Must be because of the weather.”

They eat dinner while catching up with Jiwon’s life now and also Jiun. His brother and wife are expecting a baby together. Everyone cheers for them. While Jiwon seems to look happy (and he is happy), his mind is occupied by one person only.

Koo Junhoe.

“Ahjumma…can I see Junhoe?”

Jiwon puts the tupperware on the table. His mother packed some food for Junhoe so he took this chance to see the younger man. Just give it a shot.

“Of course you can, sweetie. He locks the door but here…” Junhoe’s mother passes the key. She holds his hands tightly. “I don’t know what happened but clearly I know….something happened. I miss seeing both of you so happy and playful together. I wonder if my Junhoe did something wrong or did you…”

Jiwon holds her hands. “No, ahjumma but I don’t know. Maybe indirectly…I may have hurt him but believe me, I would never hurt him. You know…how much I love him.”

She caresses his cheek gently. “I know…but he still doesn’t take the hint huh. My boy. Can be oblivious sometimes.” She chuckles.

Jiwon smiles a bit. “He still think I mean it as friends. Or is it because I tell him too often that he doesn’t believe me?” He lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Sounds very Junhoe-like.” She holds his hands again. “Go see him. Hopefully he is still upstairs.”

“Thank you so much, ahjumma.” He gives a full bow before running upstairs. He touches his chest, calming himself from the short run he did and the nervousness to enter Junhoe’s room.

The door opens.

Junhoe suddenly feels hungry. He walks downstairs to look for something to eat. He sees an unfamiliar tupperware set sitting on the table.

“Can I eat these?”

“Of course you can silly.” His father answers. “Say thank you to Jiwon’s mom. She gave that just for you.”

“Oh…” The name Jiwon already pinches his heart. “Alright. I’ll thank her tomorrow.” Junhoe stares at the food. He brings the tupperware up to his room so he could look at Jiwon’s room window.

Cowards.

Both of them.

Jiwon hid in the bathroom instead of knocking at Junhoe’s door. He is not ready. Is Junhoe ready then? Bet not. What if Junhoe slams the door at his face? What if Junhoe hit him if he barges into his room like that?

He remembers that particular day. The day Junhoe started to ignore him. The day Junhoe got angry at him for coming to his room uninvited when all these while, that was what he always did.

_“Don’t come to my room anymore.”_

_“But why?”_

_“Just don’t.”_

_“You have been ignoring my calls and texts, dropped the elective subject because I took the same subject and now this.” Jiwon gives a light squeeze on his arms. “What’s wrong?”_

_Junhoe pushes Jiwon’s hands away. “Nothing…just…shouldn’t you be focusing on final semester? You are graduating. Now, go.”_

_“That’s a bullshit excuse.”_

_“Whatever. Just leave.” Junhoe opens the door for him. “And uhhh…the spare key.”_

_Jiwon sighs. “You are pulling this ‘he’s not feeling well’ crap right in front of me?” He traps Junhoe against the door, trying to find some answers but the younger avoids his eyes. “Okay. Fine. Again…when I thought we can fix our friendship and you said it too…here with you now…but you…”_

_Junhoe breaks into sweat when Jiwon punches the door, causing the door to break and hurting Jiwon’s fist. Junhoe shuts his eyes. He could feel Jiwon’s breath on his ear._

_“Fine.”_

_With that word, Jiwon leaves the room. Junhoe slowly exhales; somewhat relieved yet disappointed with himself. He rushes to his window to see Jiwon on his motorcycle. From the look of it, he knows Jiwon is crying._

_He did it again huh?_

Junhoe hates himself for treating Jiwon like that. They are adults now. He should be more mature. He hopes to be more mature. Jiwon is just next door.

_‘Talk to him.’_

Jiwon pushes the curtain to open the window.

“Junhoe…” He gulps.

Junhoe smiles a bit. His lips move but nothing leaves his mouth. He just stares at Jiwon standing awkwardly by the window. What should he say? Hi? Jiwon hello? I fucking miss you?

“Th-thanks for the food!” _‘Really Junhoe, really?’_ Junhoe scolds himself.

“Oh. Sure. No problem. Hope you enjoy it.” Jiwon smiles at him. Okay, this is something.

Junhoe then disappears from the window. He is searching for his phone, hoping that Jiwon is still using the same number. Jiwon still waits for him by the window and wonders if he says something wrong.

“Sure. No problem. Hope you enjoy it.” Jiwon repeats. “Hmmm nothing’s wrong with my words.” He waits anxiously. “Message?”

junae  
2130  
Jiwon….  
Hyung?  
Aaaaaa……….

Jiwon chuckles. He is happy because Junhoe still keeps his number. He decides to call Junhoe.

Junhoe throws his phone to the bed when it rings. He looks at the caller ID. ‘Jiwonnie’. He slowly takes his phone again but before he could answer, the call ends. He curses at himself. Should he call Jiwon or wait?

His phone rings again.

“Hi…”

“Oh…thank God you answer the call.” Jiwon rubs his chest. He could hear Junhoe’s small laugh.

“Sorry it took second call for me to answer. I was….uhhh…nervous.” Junhoe almost whispers at the end.

Jiwon sits by the window. “Hey…can you come to your window?”

Junhoe waves at Jiwon when he settles himself by the window. Oh boy. It brings back all the good times he used to share with Jiwon. Back then, they ‘talked’ using marker pen and whiteboard.

“Hyung…”

“I miss you…”

Junhoe puts his phone down. The heat from his phone does not bother him at all. He still holds his phone tight while he looks straight at Jiwon.

Midnight.

Junhoe readies himself with his phone and torchlight. He looks at a familiar hoodie hung in his closet. The colour fades and the writings on the hoodie almost disappear. He giggles as he touches the hoodie. He decides to wear it.

Jiwon watches the rock he throws making a few leaps before it sinks into the lake. He smiles proudly for finally being able to do that. He then sit under a big, shady tree to relax and listen to some songs.

“There you are.” Junhoe pulls the earphone away.

Surprised, Jiwon curses. “Don’t scare me like this.” He looks at the younger man. “Hey, my hoodie. Mine right?”

Junhoe smiles. “Yours.” He lets Jiwon touches his chest while pretending to touch the hoodie.

“Do you remember we always sneaked out to come here?” Jiwon glances at Junhoe. “You and me…midnight like this every weekend.”

“Of course I remember.” Junhoe looks at the lake. It shimmers under the bright moon light. “We got caught by Jiun hyung but he was nice to act like he knows nothing.” He chuckles.

“Ah right. Hyung.” Jiwon still hasn’t looked away. He only has eyes on Junhoe and Junhoe only. Always.

“Nothing much changes here. The municipal only put more benches but they take good care of this place.” Junhoe sits properly. He smiles alone as he recalls the memories of him spending time here with Jiwon. They were 12 and 10 respectively.

_“R U ready?” Jiwon holds his whiteboard._

_Junhoe nods while holding his whiteboard. “YES.”_

_They sneak out with some snacks, coca-cola and torchlight. They run as fast as they can towards the tree at a nearby playground just to make sure no one would catch them._

_They reach the lake after about 5 minutes of walking._

_“I brought some leftover kimbap.” Jiwon opens the lid. “Here. I helped omma today.”_

_“Kimbap.” Junhoe takes a piece. “So this means I’m eating you?” He laughs._

_Jiwon laughs along. “Do you want to eat me?”_

_“Yes.” Junhoe bites Jiwon’s arm and the elder lets out an exaggerated scream. “Not nice. This kimbap is nicer.” He takes another piece._

_“Heh. I will exercise. Have muscles. Then you will change your mind.”_

_Junhoe pretends to get annoyed. “Ya sure. Like that would happen.”_

“You really did exercise…have some muscles.” Junhoe touches Jiwon’s exposed arms. “Ohhh…sorry…” He quickly retreats his hand, blushing when he notices Jiwon flexes his arms.

“Yeah. Well…I challenged someone.” Jiwon continues flexing his arms. “I wonder if that someone changes his mind.”

“Pfftt…” Junhoe gets up. He walks slowly towards the lake whilst enjoying the cold night breeze.

Jiwon follows closely. He is arranging words in his head so he could tell Junhoe everything; everything about how he feels for the younger man. He does not want to stutter but he does not want his confession to sound like a rap verse.

It has been years….too long…too long for him to keep his emotions inside. They are not getting younger anymore. They have avoided each other too many times because Junhoe suddenly ignores him without telling why. They have pretended neither of them exists every time Junhoe drives him away.

But this time, this is it.

If Junhoe wants to push him away, he’d go. For good.

_“I don’t want to be friends with him. I don’t want!”_

_Junhoe stomps his feet many times before running back to his house. He ignores his mother calling for him. Later that night, she comes to see him._

_“Why are you acting like that in front of ahjumma?” She caresses his head gently. “In front of Jiwon too…that’s not nice.”_

_Junhoe hugs his pillow tightly. “I’m sorry, omma. I’m scared.”_

_“Why sweetie?”_

_“What if Jiwon hates me like all my other friends?”_

_She smiles. “You haven’t given him chance yet.”_

_“But what if? All my friends ditch me because I’m so difficult.” Junhoe tears up again. “I keep trying…to be nice.”_

_“And you have to keep trying.” She wipes his tears. “You cannot give up. One day you would be adult, omma and appa…Yejin noona won’t be there with you all the time to accompany you so you have to keep trying. Be nice with Jiwon. After all, you would be seeing him often since he lives next door.”_

_Junhoe looks at his mother. See Jiwon often?_

_Jiwon carries the garbage bag outside. His eyes then landed on a figure standing awkwardly at the dumpster. Of course he recognizes the kid and yes he remembers that kid who had mini tantrum when they were first introduced._

_“Hi.” Jiwon greets Junhoe softly. How does this happen when Junhoe is younger?_

_“Hi…” Junhoe whispers. “Hi.” This time louder._

_Then they meet at school. Jiwon sees Junhoe eating alone at the cafeteria. Odd. It seems like the other way around because it is only the first week of school for Jiwon but he has befriended a lot but Junhoe is alone. He remembers how Junhoe yelled not wanting to friend him._

_Jiwon gathers his courage to approach Junhoe._

_“Hyung…” Junhoe smiles a bit at him._

_“Let me join you.” Jiwon puts his food tray on the table._

_Junhoe smiles wider. The two of them chat over their meals until the bell rings. Junhoe somehow promises Jiwon to meet him after the school ends so they could walk back home together. A decision he immediately regrets. He literally screamed he doesn’t want to be Jiwon’s friend but now this?_

_“Why you want to hang out with me? I’m bad. I screamed.”_

_Jiwon just chuckles. “Because I like you.”_

_“Liar.” Junhoe walks with him._

_“It’s true! I like you.” Jiwon puts his arm on Junhoe’s shoulder. “Really like you.”_

_“But why?”_

_They stop walking. Junhoe is anxious for Jiwon’s answer._

_“Uhh because I like you.” Jiwon laughs._

_“But why? Yah! Kim Jiwon! Don’t run away from me!”_

“Koo Junhoe.”

“Hmmm?” Junhoe turns around. “What’s the matter? Are you alright?”

Junhoe looks beautiful under the bright moon. The moon tonight shines the brightest tonight. It feels like a spotlight focused on Junhoe.

“Hyung…”

Junhoe freezes when Jiwon’s lips press on his lips. It is a brief kiss but it feels soft and sends tingles all over his body. His eyes are still wide even though their lips parted. He is speechless and confused yet he wants more.

Jiwon places his hand on Junhoe’s nape as their forehead touched. “I love you, Koo Junhoe….and I always mean it and I love you more than just friend…more than just next door neighbour.”

“Hyung…I…all these while…you….” Junhoe looks into his eyes. “I love you too. So much. I was afraid of losing you even…even when you are not mine, I was….I AM very afraid to lose you.”

“You love me too?”

Junhoe nods. “But I always drove you away whenever I feel like…I’m too attached to you.” He pauses. “I thought you are just being polite, being nice to me. I fell in love but I was afraid.”

“Ah…yes. I noticed. You led me then shoved me aside.” Jiwon teases. He rubs Junhoe’s cheeks gently. He gives another quick kiss.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to lose a friend. I was afraid our friendship would take a toll if my love is one sided.” Junhoe stares at the ground.

“Hmmm. I thought my love was one sided.” Jiwon chuckles. “We got so close then suddenly…you are not feeling well.”

Junhoe smiles. _‘He’s not feeling well’_ is an excuse he keeps using since he was a kid until now. The same reason he uses to push Jiwon away, to lie to himself about how he feels for Jiwon.

“I’m such a fool, right?”

“If I agree?”

Junhoe pouts. “I’d push you into the lake.”

“Ouch. There you go again, trying to push me. Literally.” Jiwon squeezes and pinches Junhoe’s cheeks. “The cheeks that I love.”

Junhoe could not hide his bashful smile. “You never lied huh?”

“I lie sometimes. I’m not perfect but…everything I said to you is the truth.” Jiwon holds Junhoe’s hands as he kisses each knuckles. “You were tough but I still like you…like then love. Love you hard.”

“But you dated someone in uni. Psshh.” Junhoe pretends to sulk. He walks slowly towards the boulder at the side. “What was her name? Uhh…Jisoo. She is so pretty.”

Jiwon scratches his head. “You still remember her?” He approaches Junhoe. “I dated her but…I felt empty.”

“Empty?”

“Empty. She liked me a lot. I tried to like her back but I couldn’t because…someone else is occupying my heart and my mind.” Jiwon looks at him. “That’s why…empty. Thought she could fill the gap and I would learn to love but…damn this Koo Junhoe guy keeps terrorizing me.”

“Cheesy…” Junhoe bites his lips. Only God knows how happy he is right now. “So…you never dated anyone else after that?”

“Only mentally dated you even though you shoved me aside.”

“I hate you now, Jiwon hyung.” Junhoe rolls his eyes. “I mentally dated you too.” He looks away, hoping Jiwon won’t catch him blushing. “Making up scenarios and all…”

“Which means…”

“Ya. I never dated anyone. I went to blind dates and even used dating app…but…” Junhoe touches his cheeks. He could feel the blood rushing in his body. “But….”

“You love me.” Jiwon smirks. “You love me. You love me. Ahhh!” He ducks when he sees Junhoe threatens to throw pebble at him. Then he laughs again.

Junhoe hates Jiwon’s smug face now but there is no lie here. He really loves Jiwon for so long that he could not take Jiwon off of his mind. He compares everyone to Jiwon.

“So…we are….boyfriends?” Junhoe’s voice sinks. He is nervous. He clears his throat and asks the question again.

Jiwon hugs him from the back. “Boyfriends.”

“Can you kiss me again?” Junhoe plays with his fingers, feeling a little giddy. He looks at his feet instead with Jiwon’s arms wrapped tight around his waist.

Jiwon decides to tease. “What? What did you say?”

“Kiss…me…” Junhoe mumbles.

“I’m sorry. What?” Jiwon laughs when Junhoe elbows him. “Hey. Don’t you shove me away like that again.” He pulls Junhoe close then holds his cheeks as their lips meet again.

Junhoe pretends to resist but he just has to smile when Jiwon carefully kisses his lips, soft and taking his sweet time to taste his lips. He responds to Jiwon’s lips then slowly opens his mouth with a low moan as he feels Jiwon’s tongue in his mouth.

Their kiss breaks as the two of them chuckle. Junhoe leans for a quick kiss again. They can’t believe. All these years of push and pull, playing hard to get, unspoken words and Junhoe’s hurtful actions towards Jiwon, they kissed. Finally.

“We are kinda dumb. We could have dated years ago.”

“WE?” Jiwon raises his eyebrow. “I keep hinting. Even your mom knows I love you.”

Junhoe pouts. “I just don’t want to get confused between kindness or flirting.” He looks at Jiwon again. “Wait. My mom knows? Since when? She never said anything. I’m…”

“Clueless.” Jiwon looks at the sky. “She knows. She could see. She asked me first. Of course at the beginning I denied but…” He smiles. “I can’t lie to her.” He rests his head properly on Junhoe’s thigh.

Junhoe plays with Jiwon’s hair while he listens to more things his mother knows and only shares with Jiwon. That explains why his mother always gets upset whenever he is being mean towards Jiwon, especially when he said ‘he’s not feeling well’.

They keep quiet for a while then Junhoe realizes Jiwon has dozed off.

“Hyung. You are not going to sleep here right?”

But silence. All Junhoe could hear is Jiwon’s soft snore. He uses this moment to look at Jiwon closely. His hand is shaking so much when he touches Jiwon’s eyebrow.

“You are so patient with me. You really love me huh. You would love me forever, right? You never stopped loving me and you would never. Ever.”

Jiwon is actually still awake. He listens to what Junhoe says.

_‘It’s true, Junhoe. I would always love you…more than forever.’_

Junhoe hesitates at first but he kisses Jiwon’s lips softly. “I love you…and you love me only right? So who you were confessing to last time?” He pauses. “Ah I was silly right. I should have asked you instead of running away.”

“You heard?”

Junhoe gasps. “Hyung…” He gulps. “You are awake.”

Jiwon sighs. “Yes. What did you hear?”

Junhoe takes a deep breath. “I heard you confessed to someone. I was walking by the indoor basketball court and then…I heard you said…’I’ve always liked you. I love you.’”

“But you never bothered to check? To see me?” Jiwon touches Junhoe’s face gently. “Silly. I was practicing to confess…” He pauses to see Junhoe’s confused look. “To you.”

“To…me?” Junhoe keeps quiet.

“Yes, to you.” Jiwon squeezes his cheeks. “Aigoo. I practiced because I don’t want to mumble or stutter. Yunhyeong and Donghyuk were nice to help.”

“So…you were…practicing…”

“Yunhyeong helped me with the words…I mean how to pronounce the words properly.” Jiwon recalls. “Donghyuk was acting as you.”

Junhoe just wishes he could turn back time. Turn back time, tell himself to open the door, tell himself to peak into the basketball court. He hurt his own feelings for no reason and worse, he hurt Jiwon’s feelings. All because of him.

“Then…huh?” Jiwon feels drops of tears on his face. “Princess…” He wipes Junhoe’s tears. “Why…why are you crying?” He slowly gets up so he could look at Junhoe. “Why?”

“Why…why do you love me so much? Why you never give up on me when I’m…like this?” Junhoe sobs. “I’m…you…I’m so stupid.”

“Junhoe…” Jiwon touches his cheeks. “Sshhh. Please don’t cry.” He tries to hug Junhoe but the latter pushes his hands away. He sighs. He sits facing the lake instead. “I’ve tried to love someone else, Junhoe…but my heart only wants you.”

“But why…you deserve someone better. I’m just so silly.” Junhoe tries to laugh. “I mean….I love you but because I was scared, I drove you away. I drove US away actually.” He hugs his knees. “We could be together right now…maybe in our own space. Just you and me, maybe cuddling…eating pizzas till we can’t move…”

Jiwon smiles. He turns to look at Junhoe again. “Then wake up at 3am to eat ramen….” He cups Junhoe’s face, wiping his tears. “Hear you singing your lungs out everyday.” He pauses. “I remember this…we wanted to do this together.”

“Because you said you want to marry me.” Junhoe holds his hands. “30 is still long way to go.” He pouts. “Marry me earlier?”

“Huh so excited to marry me?” Jiwon chuckles. He leans closer for a soft kiss. “Listen to me, Junhoe. At first, I thought it was just being a kid that made me say I like you a lot. Then I realize the feeling is real. I like you…love you more than just a kid’s promise.”

“But…how could you love someone like me? So difficult…so mean to you.” Junhoe whines. “I made your effort to mend our friendship to go in flames. I was really afraid, hyung.”

“I’m afraid too and it takes me years to finally tell you that I mean every words I said when I said…I love you.” Jiwon kisses Junhoe’s lips again and again. “Always mean it.”

Junhoe smiles a bit. “I’m sorry I’m so dumb and didn’t get the hint. I’m sorry that I make things so difficult because I was too afraid. I’m sorry-” He smiles wider when Jiwon kisses him.

“You talk too much.” Jiwon smirks. “Alright. Let’s put everything behind us now. We both are stupid and coward. But…we can start fresh. From now on…it’s just you and me.”

“Just you and me.” Junhoe places his hand on Jiwon’s chest. “You and me…”

**Present**

“Princess. Turn that stove off first. Are you planning to kill us?” Jiwon covers his nose. “Ugh…that smell.”

“Princess? You still call him princess, hmmm?” Jiwon’s mother smiles warmly at them. She places food containers on the island.

Jiwon and Junhoe finally get the key to their new apartment. Their parents are here to see their place and help them to move. They have unpacked almost everything and have cleaned up the house.

Junhoe looks at Jiwon’s mother. “Hmmm he loves calling me that. He still hasn’t told me why he calls me as princess.”

“Omo, Jiwon. You still keep it as secret?” Junhoe’s mother approaches. She looks at Junhoe’s surprised look. “Yes, sweetie. Omma knows why.”

“What else everyone knows that I don’t know?” Junhoe whines. “And please don’t say…Jiwon loves me. Besides that fact.”

Everyone teases Junhoe every now and then because he was really oblivious about the way Jiwon feels about him. He keeps telling that he was confused between real feelings or just plain nice but they still tease him.

“Tell him, Jiwon.”

Jiwon looks at their mothers. “Because I feel like a knight. I want to always protect you and care for you…like a knight to his princess.” He holds Junhoe’s hand. “Let me your knight forever.”

Junhoe takes a deep breath. “Okay…give me a second.” He chuckles as he tries not to cry. “I really hate you, Jiwon. Ahhh.” He fans himself, not wanting to cry more. “Yes…please be my knight forever.”

Jiwon smiles widely. He gives a quick kiss which Junhoe pretends not to like it. He knows Junhoe still feels shy and uncomfortable for a little PDA in front of their parents but it is fun to tease him.

They bid their parents goodbye after a long chat over dinner. Junhoe then plops onto the bed while he waits for his turn to wash himself. He keeps chanting Jiwon’s name, bugging the elder man so he would leave the bathroom quick.

“You know there’s another bathroom.”

“I know.” Junhoe grins. He looks at Jiwon’s naked upper body. “Sexy…” He mumbles.

“What? Did you say something?” Jiwon glances at him.

“Ahhh no. No. Nothing.” Junhoe runs to the bathroom. That was close. He smiles to himself. “He is your man now. Why are you still nervous?”

“Why were you running to the bathroom?” Jiwon looks at Junhoe once the latter comes out.

Junhoe looks at Jiwon who only wears shorts. This man… “Uh…I wanted to pee…” He sees Jiwon giving that ‘don’t lie to me’ look. He hates it. Jiwon knows him too well. “I was nervous.”

“Why?” Jiwon tries to read Junhoe. “Wait…because of me? Why?”

“Nothing it’s silly.” Junhoe bites his lip. He faces the mirror when Jiwon sneaks to hug him from the back. “You gonna laugh.”

“Okay. Okay. I won’t laugh but I can’t promise.” Jiwon presses his lips against Junhoe’s neck. “Tell me.”

“You are sexy. I got nervous because of that.” Junhoe whines loud when Jiwon erupts into a loud laugh. “Ugh Kim Jiwon.”

“Sorry. Pheww…okay. Enough laughing.” Jiwon looks at him. “Get used to it because you are going to see this sexy man everyday.”

“For the rest of my life.”

“For the rest of your life.” Junhoe kisses his lips. “Alright enough.”

“What do you mean enough? There is never enough kisses, princess.” Jiwon lies down next to Junhoe, pulling the younger close as they spoon.

Junhoe glances at Jiwon. “You know…I feel like the luckiest person on earth. You love me since we were children…keep loving me…and still loving me. I have no doubt in love. I know you won’t leave me.”

Jiwon nods. “I would never leave you. I tried…” He chuckles. “Tried to avoid you, tried to get rid of you but I couldn’t. I’m madly in love with you, Junhoe. Always.”

“I can really feel that. I really am lucky. I would love you the way you love me…or better.” Junhoe laughs a bit. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I love you more.” Jiwon kisses Junhoe’s shoulder. “Good night.”

They hold hands, locking their fingers together as they fall in the comfort of each other.

Love.

Love is a complicated emotion. It could be difficult but it could be easy if you don’t run from reality. That was what Junhoe did the whole time; running away from reality. Someone may not love you back and you must be ready to accept it.

But Junhoe is indeed the luckiest man. Jiwon is truly in love, madly in love, deeply in love and the feeling never fades even though the wait was long enough for him to finally tell Junhoe.

Jiwon has always liked, loved Junhoe.

And always mean it.

And yes, Junhoe feels better now that he had poured out his true feelings for Jiwon. Feels better.

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a while since I last wrote a junbob fic so here you go. hope you all like it. do leave comment if you have some thoughts about it. (btw, i made them older than their actual age)


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